Contentment.

When I was younger, I felt the continual unrest from the struggle of making myself significant.

There was the need to speak up during meetings and devotionals, a need to be present on every event, a need to be seen knowing and doing. Love for ministry was mixed with both pride and insecurity — by pretense, or denial.

While my youth had strength, it was tinted with selfish desires, unknowingly probably, or if I am to be honest, conviction spurned.

I had to be important.

Today, I feel I need only Jesus. Busy activity had never satisfied my soul. Reputation never gave me peace because deep inside I know that not all that is perceived is reality.

The urgency of His coming has given me unrest because I know the outside doesn’t matter, won’t matter.

I talk of closet Christianity but if there is a time I should live it, it is now.

And I have to overcome.

The world doesn’t need to know my sacrifice, my benevolence, my ministry, my overcoming. Jesus’ knowledge is enough.

And if my age today taught me one thing, it is prizing that personal relationship with my Savior.

Finding my joy in making Him happy in secret, fighting and overcoming with Him in secret, ministering to others with Him without letting my left hand know- this is the prize, this is contentment.

Written 01.29.2020