CUTTING OFF

Have you ever had someone cut you off without you knowing?

I was always that someone… someone that cuts off.

Although some may find me extroverted, being friendly doesn’t come to me naturally. I used to stay at the corner of our church and never greet church members. It wasn’t until PAFCOE that I forced myself to shake hands and smile at people I didn’t know. I mingle and sometimes mingle well, but deep down, it always comes with personal battles.

I do not like to be vulnerable. I am afraid to be vulnerable. But to those I allow in my inner circle, I allow myself to cry, and express my hurts and disappointments.

And these are the people I easily cut off. Whenever I am hurt by someone I consider close to me or people I have experiences of trust, I take that by heart really hard… for years.

I remember cutting off a friend for years because he openly read my texts for him to his friends. I cut off a very close friend because she was the first one who laughed at me when we were swimming and my shorts were torn. A relationship with another very close friend was also cut off (both of us did) because of our differences then.

I cried during all these times, and the only solution I found was to cut off and close my heart. Years later, I remained friends with these people. There was no reconciliation. I do not even know if they knew I cut them off. Time just healed.

For the past two years, I cut off friends and family because I was hurt… And I am still carrying burdens of hurt until today…

I probably have been cut off by some, too, without me even knowing. For sure, I hurt many people without knowing or acknowledging.

My boyfriend even told me once that my solution was always to flee. Whenever I sense the possibility of getting hurt, I always flee and run away. Confrontational as I may seem, but for most close relationships, I always choose to run.

There is no Bible text or lesson to this post. I am still in the process of learning. I know Jesus is not someone who chooses to cut off. He always is humble and kind and would rather choose to be hurt than run. He is the perfect example of unconditional love…” though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved”…

I guess the only way to learn is to look to Jesus and abide with Him. Perhaps I am on my way to learning now that I’ve acknowledged this? Well, Jesus is my help.